A Confession

GRILLAHOLIC

Hi, my name is _______ and I have a problem.

Days Since Last Purchase

Counter resets frequently

╭─────────────────────╮ │ ONE MORE GRILL │ │ CAN'T HURT... │ ╰──────────┬──────────╯ │ ╭────┴────╮ │ ◠ ◠ │ │ ▽ │ │ ╰───╯ │ ╰────┬────╯ ╭────────┴────────╮ ╱│ │╲ ╱ │ ┌─────┐ │ ╲ ▕ │ │ $ $ │ │ ▏ ╲ │ └─────┘ │ ╱ ╲│ │╱ ╰─────────────────╯ │ │ │ │ ╱╲ ╱╲

grill·a·hol·ic

/ˌɡrɪləˈhɑːlɪk/ · noun · see: you

A person whose grill count exceeds available patio space. Often found explaining to your spouse (and in-laws!!) why this particular model is "completely different" from the others. Known to have grills scattered down the side yard like a museum annex.

"THEY EACH HAVE A PURPOSE" ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ │ G │ │ R │ │ I │ │ L │ │ A │ │ P │ │ K │ │ O │ │ S │ │ E │ │ A │ │ F │ │ │ │ L │ │ M │ │ F │ │ │ │ L │ │ A │ │ S │ │ │ │ E │ │ D │ │ E │ │ │ │ T │ │ O │ │ T │ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ │ │ │ │ ══╧══ ══╧══ ══╧══ ══╧══ ╱╲ ╱╲ ╱╲ ╱╲

And this isn't even all of them. There are more down the side yard.

( ) ( ) ) ) ( ) ( ( ( ) ( ) ) _____________ <_____________> ___ | |/ _ \ | | | | | |_| | ___| |\___/ / \___________/ \ \_____________________/

Your combined grill surface area exceeds your patio square footage.

You've explained "But this one does pellets" to the same person more than once.

You maintain a "summer rotation" and a "winter lineup."

You feel genuine unease when a grill goes on sale that you don't already own.

Your grills have names. And personalities. You know which one is "moody."

You've purchased a grill "for parts" that is now your primary grill.

Your neighbors assume you run a catering business. You've never corrected them.

╔═══════════════════════════════════╗ ║ STAGES OF GRILL ADDICTION ║ ╠═══════════════════════════════════╣ ║ ║ ║ 1. "I just need one good grill" ║ ║ ↓ ║ ║ 2. "But this one does PELLETS" ║ ║ ↓ ║ ║ 3. "It was on sale..." ║ ║ ↓ ║ ║ 4. "I can stop anytime" ║ ║ ↓ ║ ║ 5. *builds grill shed* ║ ║ ║ ╚═══════════════════════════════════╝

How many grills do you own?

Even you don't know the exact number anymore.

SPOUSE YOU │ │ ╭───┴───╮ ╭───┴───╮ │ ಠ ಠ │ │ ◠ ◠ │ │ ▽ │ │ △ │ │ ───── │ │ ╰───╯ │ ╰───────╯ ╰───────╯ │ │ "Is that a "It's not NEW, new grill?" I just moved it │ to the front" ▼ │ ╭───────╮ │ │ ಠ _ ಠ │◄──────────────────────────┘ ╰───────╯

"I thought the first one would be the last one. That was 2019."

— The Spouse

"He's my best customer. I know the address by heart now."

— The UPS Driver

"It's Tuesday. I can smell hickory."

— The Neighbor

"He asked if we had a layaway program. For a grill."

— Home Depot Associate

╭──── THE GRILLAHOLIC BRAIN ────╮ │ │ │ ┌─────────────────────┐ │ │ ╱ ┌───┐ GRILLS ┌───┐ ╲ │ │ │ │BTU│ ─── │NEW│ │ │ │ │ └───┘ 95% │BBQ│ │ │ │ │ └───┘ │ │ │ ╲ ┌────────────────┐ ╱ │ │ ╲ │ SMOKE FLAVORS │ ╱ │ │ ╲│ 4% │ ╱ │ │ └────────────────┘ │ │ ┌────────┐ │ │ │OTHER 1%│ │ │ └────────┘ │ ╰───────────────────────────────╯

"It's not a new grill, it's a smoker. Completely different category. It doesn't even count."

Justifying acquisition #6

"What if we have 47 people over? Then we'll NEED three grills going at once. It's just being prepared."

Justifying acquisition #3

"This is a classic. A vintage. They don't make them like this anymore. I'm basically rescuing history."

Justifying the rusty one from Craigslist

"It's an investment, honey. We're saving money on restaurants."

Narrator: They were not saving money.

╔═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗ ║ THE SIDE YARD (actual scale) ║ ╠═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════╣ ║ ║ ║ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ║ ║ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ ║ ║ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ ║ ║ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ ║ ║ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ║ ║ ║ ║ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ┌───┐ ← "just a few" ║ ║ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ ║ ║ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ │▓▓▓│ ║ ║ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ └─┬─┘ ║ ║ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ═╧═ ║ ║ ║ ╚═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

🔴 ╭───╮ │~~~│ ╰─┬─╯ ═╧═

The Kettle

"It's a classic"

📦 ┌─────┐ │▓▓▓▓▓│ │═════│ └──┬──┘

The Pellet

"Set it and forget it"

🥚 ╭─╮ ╭┤ ├╮ │╰─╯│ ╰─┬─╯

The Kamado

"It's ceramic, so..."

🚂 ┌─┐ ┌─────┤░├ │▓▓▓▓▓└─┘ └──┬──┘

The Offset

"For serious BBQ"

🍳 ┌───────┐ │▒▒▒▒▒▒▒│ └───────┘ │ │

The Flat Top

"Smash burgers"

🏈 ╭─╮ │~│ ╰┬╯ ╧

The Portable

"For tailgating"

🔥 ┌─┬─┬─┬─┐ │▓│▓│▓│▓│ └─┴─┴─┴─┘ │ │ │ │

The Gas Beast

"When you're in a hurry"

❓ ┌───┐ │ ? │ └───┘ ╱╲

The Next One

"Coming soon"

╱╲ ╱ ╲ ╱ ◊◊ ╲ ╱ ◊◊◊◊ ╲ ╱ ◊◊◊◊◊◊ ╲ ╱──────────╲ │ THE HOLY │ │ GRILL │ │ ~~~~~~ │ │ ~~~~~~ │ │ ~~~~~~ │ └────┬┬────┘ ││ ══╧╧══ ╱╲╱╲ "Blessed are the pitmasters, for they shall inherit the backyard"

THE CREED

I solemnly swear to never judge a grill by its BTUs alone.
To always have room for one more.
To believe that every grill serves a unique and essential purpose.
And to never let anyone see the credit card statement in June.

╭───────────────────────────╮ │ GRILLAHOLIC ANONYMOUS │ │ MEETING NOTES │ ├───────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ ☐ Admit you have a │ │ problem │ │ │ │ ☑ Buy another grill │ │ anyway │ │ │ │ ☑ Call it "the last │ │ one" (again) │ │ │ │ ☑ Repeat │ │ │ ╰───────────────────────────╯

GRILLAHOLIC

The Winter Lineup

Warning Signs

Testimonials

Things You Tell Yourself

The Collection

THE CREED