Firing Up

Smoke reported in the neighborhood Nathan's wallet has entered protective custody UPS driver requests dedicated parking space Bekah: "Is that a new cover?" — Nathan: [silence] Side yard capacity assessment: inconclusive Weber stock up 3% following local activity
Smoke reported in the neighborhood Nathan's wallet has entered protective custody UPS driver requests dedicated parking space Bekah: "Is that a new cover?" — Nathan: [silence] Side yard capacity assessment: inconclusive Weber stock up 3% following local activity

A Documentary

GRILLAHOLIC

The Legend of Nathan

Days Since Last Purchase
0
Counter resets frequently
grill·a·hol·ic
/ˌɡrɪləˈhɑːlɪk/ · noun · see: Nathan

A person whose grill count exceeds available patio space. Often found explaining to Bekah why this particular model is "completely different" from the others. Known to have grills scattered down the side yard like a museum annex.

Photographic Evidence

The Winter Lineup

Nathan's grills in winter storage

And this isn't even all of them. There are more down the side yard.

Clinical Assessment

Warning Signs

01

Your combined grill surface area exceeds your patio square footage.

02

You've explained "But this one does pellets" to the same person more than once.

03

You maintain a "summer rotation" and a "winter lineup."

04

You feel genuine unease when a grill goes on sale that you don't already own.

05

Your grills have names. And personalities. You know which one is "moody."

06

You've purchased a grill "for parts" that is now your primary grill.

07

Your neighbors assume you run a catering business. You've never corrected them.

How many grills do you own, Nathan?

?

Even Nathan doesn't know the exact number anymore.

Witness Statements

Testimonials

"I thought the first one would be the last one. That was 2019."

— Bekah

"He's my best customer. I know the address by heart now."

— The UPS Driver

"It's Tuesday. I can smell hickory."

— The Neighbor

"He asked if we had a layaway program. For a grill."

— Home Depot Associate

Documented Justifications

Things Nathan Says

"It's not a new grill, it's a smoker. Completely different category. It doesn't even count."

Justifying acquisition #6

"What if we have 47 people over? Then we'll NEED three grills going at once. It's just being prepared."

Justifying acquisition #3

"This is a classic. A vintage. They don't make them like this anymore. I'm basically rescuing history."

Justifying the rusty one from Craigslist

"It's an investment, Bekah. We're saving money on restaurants."

Narrator: They were not saving money.

Asset Registry

The Collection

The Kettle
"It's a classic"
The Pellet
"Set it and forget it"
The Kamado
"It's ceramic, so..."
The Offset
"For serious BBQ"
The Flat Top
"Smash burgers"
The Portable
"For tailgating"
The Gas Beast
"When you're in a hurry"
The Next One
"Coming soon"

THE CREED

I solemnly swear to never judge a grill by its BTUs alone.
To always have room for one more.
To believe that every grill serves a unique and essential purpose.
And to never let Bekah see the credit card statement in June.